While enjoying dinner with a friend one weekend, our dinner-time conversation took the inevitable turn to men. I sat, listening to her rundown of the new “boo”. He was smart, well-educated, attractive, and a cook. I sat, intrigued, wondering whether or not he had a brother, when she said...“I don’t want to be in relationship with him. He’s too nice.”
I nearly choked on my soup. My friend hasn’t even reached her 20s yet, she can’t possibly know exactly what she wants wants out of life; then it hit me, I used to be that girl. I began to think back on how I’ve passed on a zillion “nice guys” because I was looking for...that something, that extra little oomph, some swag. I didn’t know exactly why, but the “nice guys” just didn’t have it. Oh the things we do when we are young and dumb. Thankfully, with age comes wisdom and I’m getting wiser every day. How many women have stood in front of our own happiness because such silly stipulations?
Like my friend and I, have all young women suffered from the bad boy syndrome? Once upon a time, a man NEEDED that bad boy “swag” for me to consider him attractive. I can take this all the way back to middle school crushes, when the poor little nice guy always came in last to the “bad boy” in class. Why did my friends and I find him attractive? Is it the media and its portrayal of black men? Is the desire to date someone like your father (and mine still thinks he’s that 20 year old bad boy)? As a 20-something professional, I’m looking for the “nice guy” that I passed on for so many years.
The thing that baffles me now are the smart, upstanding “nice guys” are no longer such, and have defected to the other side, #teambadboy. Are women who are always in search of that extra something to blame for the good guys gone bad - the transformation of the nice guys who finally grew tired of finishing last?
I nearly choked on my soup. My friend hasn’t even reached her 20s yet, she can’t possibly know exactly what she wants wants out of life; then it hit me, I used to be that girl. I began to think back on how I’ve passed on a zillion “nice guys” because I was looking for...that something, that extra little oomph, some swag. I didn’t know exactly why, but the “nice guys” just didn’t have it. Oh the things we do when we are young and dumb. Thankfully, with age comes wisdom and I’m getting wiser every day. How many women have stood in front of our own happiness because such silly stipulations?
Like my friend and I, have all young women suffered from the bad boy syndrome? Once upon a time, a man NEEDED that bad boy “swag” for me to consider him attractive. I can take this all the way back to middle school crushes, when the poor little nice guy always came in last to the “bad boy” in class. Why did my friends and I find him attractive? Is it the media and its portrayal of black men? Is the desire to date someone like your father (and mine still thinks he’s that 20 year old bad boy)? As a 20-something professional, I’m looking for the “nice guy” that I passed on for so many years.
The thing that baffles me now are the smart, upstanding “nice guys” are no longer such, and have defected to the other side, #teambadboy. Are women who are always in search of that extra something to blame for the good guys gone bad - the transformation of the nice guys who finally grew tired of finishing last?
As a former member of #teammrniceguy, I can definitely say that after countless occasions of drifting into the 'friend zone' & being told i'd "make good husband" material, but never quite feeling like I was being taken seriously I felt quite compelled to explore the 'bad boy' concept. As such, I adopted a "playa' persona" & began to act & treat women in the manner that seemingly got other cats all the attention. To keep a long story short, after some astounding success & putting a few notches on the belt, I began to realize that although I received a few perks, pretending to be someone i'm not just to get laid is LAME. I'd rather be alone than reach a 'fake-ass facade that [I] can't keep up'. Which brings us to today. While I'm no longer the laid back, meek "nice guy", my value core requires me to respect women, thus I find being fake just to get what I want also out of the question. What I have learned is there is a delicate balance, a recipe of sorts for keeping women satisfied. There's nothing worse than being a clingy, unchallenging, needy guy, so it's important to learn to portray that 'bad boy' image but to also be able to code switch into 'sweet, sensitive, romantic' mode (imho). Just my 2 cents!
ReplyDeletePUDGE
Considering I have spoken to several "Mr. Nice Guys" since this post, this seems to be very common for the good guys to take on this "Bad Boy" persona. I guess "we" are to blame for some of you all "stepping into the bad side." Unfortunately (I guess for us), I'm not sure if as many of you can come back to the real you like you were able to do.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your 2 cents! :-)