It's A Small World

So a few weeks ago, my parents came to visit here in RVA. We, along with my aunt and uncle, went to church. I’ll admit it; I was cute! Hey, I like to be fresh for Jesus. I wore a black pencil skirt with tan pinstripes, a tan sweater, nude pumps, and a burnt orange jacket. After church, we decided on a late breakfast at Aunt Sarah’s, [my] favorite breakfast restaurant.
After arriving for breakfast, I sashayed into the restaurant (heels turned on my “Sasha Fierce” mode... lol). After being seated, I sat texting while waiting on my family. I decided I wanted to sit where I could see who was entering the restaurant, so I got up and moved my seating at the table. Before I moved, I really hadn’t paid any attention to the patrons sitting at the table next to me, aside from the fact they were black and looked to be roughly my age. As I moved, I glanced over and [saw] someone who I thought looked familiar. After a closer look, it hit me: that’s (insert his name), my sister’s old boo and his girlfriend! I glanced over again and saw another familiar face…his friend, my high school ex. I’m sure that one of the ladies at the table was his current significant other. Immediately, I decided I wasn't going to acknowledge them. Was I rude?!?! Ummm…maybe. LOL! Here’s my reasoning…

1. They were obviously out with their boos and the situation had the potential to become extremely awkward, really fast.

2. They clearly saw me first. How did I know this? Good question: I KNOW how I entered that restaurant. I was definitely in my "important person" mode and not as if I wore sneakers and a hoodie. If you know me, I’m sure you know the difference.

3. Neither of them ever parted their lips.

4. My parents were with me and know said non-speaking indvidual. I knew my father would definitely have made a scene.

5. This old boo was part of the motivation for [starting] this blog. Let’s just say the last time we talked like a year ago was not... ummm...positive. At all.

Regardless of your opinion of my decision to not speak, I didn’t and stand steadfast in my decision.

Time

How long is too long or too short? In light of the quickie Kim K wedding and divorce, the matter of time crossed my mind. Can commitment come too quickly or can it take too long?

The Kardashian crew are notorious for their quickie engagements and marriages. I'll admit, I'm a Kardashian lover *hides face in shame*. Kris and Bruce met on a blind date, got engaged, and were married in less than 5 months. They seem happy. Khloe and Lamar had a romance that seemed to have blossomed overnight; 19 days, I think. Let me just say, I love them! They aren't perfect, but seem to really adore each other. Kourtney and Scott have a level of commitment that works for them, as dysfunctional as their relationship may seem at times. They’re not in a rush to marry, nor is their level of commitment affected by the lack of rings and papers. Poor little Kimmie, real or fake, she’s searching for love. She and Kris met and married in less than a year. Let’s propose that their quickie romance was real, did they rush it to be married?

Now on the flip side, I have a friend who has been in a "relationship" for like four years to everyone EXCEPT her "boyfriend". He refuses to commit to the title. They do real relationship things together such as taking trips and spending time with each other's family and, to top it off, they are each other's best friend. Sounds about perfect, right? How long should she wait for him to commit? It’s not like she’s asking him to propose or anything, but I'm sure some sort of commitment on his part would be nice. BUT, is it necessary? And, if so, how long should she wait for it?


I don’t think there is any set amount of time that will make a relationship work. It is all about the relationship and commitment you have with the other and the desire to make it work.

Back Story

I didn't ALWAYS go home after those Varsity Basketball Games...

So in recent weeks, I've decided to charge full force ahead with this Jay-Z thing. Things seem to have gotten a little more serious with us. Ok, so here’s a little background information on this "relationship”, considering that it may become a hot topic in my blog: Jay-Z’s and my relationship dates back about 10 years when we were both in high school. Technically, you could say that we're 10 years strong like Bey and Jay (cue Beyonce). He was that high school boo who I "talked" to off and on during my junior and senior year, but NEVER officially dated. After high school, he went to VMI and I went the real HU. And we lived happily ever after...SIKE! We did remain friends, but didn't really reconnect until after graduating from college. And the story continues....

Not GF Material.....

Maybe I’m not girlfriend material....

Soooo...I’ve decided to be serious and focus on this thing “Jay-Z” and I have. Through the process, I’ve realized (maybe re-realized) I may not be “traditional” girlfriend/boo/wife material. I have “flaws” that I am very open about and that’s just me. I cannot wake up one morning and be some woman that I am not and don’t truly desire to become. I am VERY independent and march to the beat of my own drum.

This boo thing is hard for me. I just may not answer the phone when you text or call for whatever reason. There is no need to get an attitude. I’ll admit that I am beyond chill/nonchalant ... and I take “it is what it is” to the extreme. That’s. Just. Me.

You Must Not Know 'Bout Me... Really You Don't

What you say whispers, but what you do SCREAMS!

Have you ever sat across from someone and realized you know everything about him, but he has no clue who you are nor has a real interest in learning. O_o You sit through dinner and listen to him talk...about...well...himself. Finally, when you’re halfway through your meal, he seems to want to know more about you. He asks questions that are either pointless or somehow relate to him. You continue to interact with/go on dates with him, chalking that first experience to nerve-induced word vomit. Only, after a few more dates, it becomes apparent that “this guy has NO CLUE who I am.” He doesn’t know where I’m from, what college I attended (it’s on my license plate), my birthday (it was like a week ago and it’s on Facebook), and that I write a blog. These are just a few things I probably would’ve mentioned if he’d taken the time to ask or allowed me to get in a word edgewise.

When a man listens to you, it says a lot. Sitting across the table from a man who references something you said or shows his interest in you is a breath of fresh air. He brings you your favorite flower, remembers your birthday and actually makes an effort to contact you in some form or fashion (I say contact because I’ve gotten some interesting contacts on my birthday before), remembers little things and goes out of the way to make you laugh. Now ladies, some of us may have given up hope but they do exist!! I’ve seen them in real life... LOL

Ephiphany

And it comes to me like an EPIPHANY...

So a few weeks ago, it hit me that I was traveling down a road, and seeing all types of signs, but I wasn’t reading any of them. *Kanye shrugs*. Sometimes, you have to go down a road and experience it so you don’t look back on life and think "what if?"

Have you ever been driving down a road and you realize everything looks quite familiar? You discover that it’s not deja vu and you really have been there before. You know exactly where this road is leading and you would rather not make this trip again, so you tap the brake and head for the nearest exit.

Once you've slowed down, you realize you may not have seen the trees because of the forest (or whatever the saying is) and what you may have been looking for has been in front of you the entire time. I am extremely goal oriented and when I see something I want, I put forth a serious effort to get it. Sometimes everything doesn’t turn out as I envisioned, but I like to live life without regrets. Today, I think I can go forward, make this "move" and be confident in my choice. Sometimes it "be like that.”

Black Love

I am firm believer in following your heart. If you find someone you like or are interested in pursuing, GO FOR IT!! True love is hard to find. I know people who I feel who have made genuine connections that are not based on racial differences. In the movie Something New, the single black business woman finds love in her white (sexy as HELL) landscape architect. Let me just say I LOVE IT.

But I do have a problem with a particular type of black man who is by far not representative of all black men. Black women you KNOW the ones I’m speaking of - the ones who tend to stereotype, rather than appreciate us [regular old black women]. According to them, we have too many attitudes and mood swings, speak our minds a little too often and refuse to put up with their shit. We won’t be walked over and we will check you if necessary. You know, they think we are bitches. O_o They would much rather chase after the gorgeous girl who is not black or the one who doesn’t claim her African-American heritage. Now I’m not a hater andI have nothing but love for these women and I can’t blame them for loving the black men flock to them. My problem solely lies with the mentality of the “flockers.” I’m confused when it comes to them. What makes them feel that just because these women are not black they will make a better girlfriend, wife or mother? Maybe she does all the little pointless things that us regular old black women don’t. OH WAIT! I know many black women who do those things like folding socks a certain way, cooking hot dogs a special way, etc. They do these things for the men they adore who adore them in return. I look at the men with this mentality that I know personally, they were raised by their black mother. Are women with the same characteristics as their mothers not good enough? O_o The mothers I know who have raised these men seemed to have done a pretty decent job with them, aside from this one issue. In my opinion, their mentality is not only a slap in my face, but also their mothers’ as well.

I will say that not all hope is lost in black men making a black love connection. Not all men have that awful mentality. Some men in general LOVE a black woman. To you men out there, we appreciate your love! I am sure that there is a black leading lady out there for you that is the perfect fit. Thanks for not buying into to those awful stereotypes and continuing to appreciate our strengths while encouraging us past our weaknesses. Roger Ebert, Chris Rock, Will Smith, Jay-Z, and BARACK love their black leading ladies. This leading lady continues to look for her leading man.

Sometimes Let. It. Go.

We’ve all been there. You know that “wonderful” (or so we hope and/or think) man that we meet. We fall head over heels for him. He has you “gone in the brain.” You’re doing all the things that your better judgment tells you that you shouldn’t. (Hey we’ve all been there; hell, some us are now.) Then it happens and you realize...He. Ain’t. Shit.

When you come to that realization, you feel all kinds of emotions. You’re angry, hurt, vengeful and shocked, to name a few. Hey, you may even act on a few of those feelings. I’m pretty sure I”m not the nice girl turned bitch out here...hmph. As time passes, love’s old battlefield wounds will heal or well should.....

Sometimes ladies we have to just have to make the decision to Let. It. Go. I’m not saying forget by any means because the experience should make you stronger and wiser with memory. You shouldn’t allow him to have control of your heart and mind forever. Eventually, we have to take it for what it is: the past and learn from it. When we take the loss and re-examine the relationship and realize and accept that we didn’t do everything right, lacked better judgment and had some red flags that we ingored and/or declined to pursue, we are able to love better the next time. *takes own advice* When we hold on to old hurts they weigh on us and our future relationships.

I thought I'd share this.... I don't agree with all of my friend's points (I love him, but he fits in the He. Aint. Shit category) but he makes a few good points we can all learn from.

** Cue Danity Kane’s “Damaged”...

Do women date men with kids?

We do.... but.....

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine tweeted that women don’t date men with kids. It made me go hmmmmm... we don’t? *bbm confused face* I decided to find if we did or didn’t and why or why not. I did a little “research” with my circle of friends who were college educated and working because I’m almost positive those are the “women” he was talking about. Here is what I found out...

We do.... BUT.... we have a few stipulations.

Most of my friends I asked said that they would date a men with kids, even the ones who I expected to give a me a cold HELL NO! If we can find a man who is good for us we are open minded enough to make the relationship work. Men with kids who are REAL good fathers is a great thing to us. It gives a glimpse into how they would treat us and our family if we ever made it to that point. At this point, most of my friends and I are definitely in the “we want to get married and maybe have babies mindset.”

This is where the positive ends... SORRY! These my male friends are your obstacles when dating us....

Finances- We are hardworking women who enjoy nice things and at least want you to partake in the lavish life with us. We are not for having to pay for your vacay with us to wherever. If you already have a kid(s) and they are literally eating up your finances (as they should) - that’s not something we’re used to in our free-spirited bachelorette lifestyles.

Quality Time with you - Some of us hate to admit it but we are selfish. In our defense, at this point of living independently for roughly 10 years with no one to be concerned about but ourselves, we are not terribly excited about having to share our man with others. Period. This is a catch 22 for you fellas, we want you to be able to spend quality time with your kids and do fatherly things, but we want to be with you too. Personally, I wouldn’t want to share quality time as a family. I’m with kids all day, 200 days a year. I am not huge on spending time with other people’s children outside work ESPECIALLY one’s I can’t control or correct. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids especially my babies at school and my twin, but these are children I can and will correct. I don’t really want to be a Chucky Cheese (or any other child friendly places) with you and your kid. It’s just not how I would choose to spend my quality time with my boo.

To Be the First - I know we have all seen THAT episode of “The Game” where Melanie did everything short of killing herself to be the FIRST...that SHIT is REAL!! Need I say I more? Probably not, but I will. As 20-something women, we know that we may not (and at this point) won’t be your first love, but having your child and baby mama is a constant reminder...

Baby Mama - You all know I had to take it here. This is the one woman who is here to stay whether we like it or not. For the sake of the child, this is a relationship that cannot be avoided. The terms of this relationship is usually where the problem lies. Some relationships with the baby mama are NOT on good terms. We all know that woman who is not over the fact that she is not with her baby daddy and is bitter about it. She does all the crazy things you think of...stalking us, dropping off the kid at random times, always wanting fight, etc. She is your “crazy ass baby mama.” We just cannot hang with her. We want to keep what sanity we have. (Note to “Crazy Baby Mama’s”: Get your shit together!!) Your priority needs to be your kid and having a crazy mama is not a good start for him/her.There are more issues in that relationship that we don’t want to have any part of and God help the poor child. Then we have the what we would consider the “too close for comfort” baby mama. Your new boo can swear all day she doesn’t have some issues but she does. I can almost guarantee she is going to feel some kind of way when you’re getting to chummy with her (baby mama). The thoughts will cross our minds wondering if there is still a connection or why they ever broke up, etc. While we’re dating/in a relationship, we really want to refrain from the Angela and Keisha situations (TP’s Why Did I Get Married?). We don’t want to wonder if he is working on another baby with her nor do we want to feel like we need a jar of Vaseline every time we see her.

*Puts on educator hat.*

As a child advocate, I must tell ya fellas, it maybe hard in the streets for ya, but you are NO LONGER your #1 priority. You need to what’s best for your child in this situation. There maybe a time when you (and maybe even other parties) lose out.


*Puts single woman hat back on.*

All is not lost here. We are looking for a good man. Depending on the situation/relationship, we may be willing to look over some things. Hey, we realize that we too have our own “baggage” that you will need to look over for us. Men and women both know their breaking points and what they are willing to handle.

Damn His... is Sexy!!

Sexy doesn't just stop with his appearance...

"He does what it takes, He got a winner’s mind. I’ll give it all to him and meet him at the finish line.... “

We’ve all seen guy guy who walks by and elicits a collective “Daaaammmmnnn“ and leaves a gang of turned heads behind. You and and all your girls see and acknowledge his sex appeal! This guy has it - all the surface qualities you look for: the walk, smile, clothes and smooth baritone voice. There is one quality that a man can possess that you can’t see just from looking at his outer appearance...his work ethic.

I can remember being younger and having both my parents holding down two jobs. My sister and I both have inherited that quality and have both held down a job (or two) since we were teenagers.

A man who has the drive to succeed at whatever he desires (realistically) is super sexy to me. I know men who desire to take over the world in their own capacity and are constantly working to do that in their own way. Men always claim that a women wants a man with money. Don’t get me wrong money is nice (real nice), but I can take care of myself. I want a man that can hold his own and work hard to achieve. I’ve dated men who lack that quality and been immediately turned off. I am eager to support a man who is working hard and handling his business in any way I can. Shout out to all you men out their own your grind.... we “peep” you (not that you didn’t already know this).

This Michelle is in search of a Barack...

The Stripper Delimma

A relationship should be filled with trust and FUN.... Life shouldn't end because you get a boo...

What happens in Vegas....

So on several occasions, I’ve had friends who were considering getting marriage. (I’ve previously pointed out I have only have 2 people whom I consider friends who are actually married) In the future when my friends are ready to take the walk down the aisle, I’ll be hype to plan their fun-filled night of ignorance also known as the bachelorette party. You know excessive drinking, dancing, and strippers! In my excitement for the ignorance, I get shot down.... womp womp womp.... “NO STRIPPERS!!” If you know me, you know I have no problem inquiring on their reasoning. To my surprise it’s not that they find them disgusting, degrading or against religious beliefs, but instead: “I don’t want him to have one.” O_o

Do you really think that you are going to be last set of T and A he sees?

My blog...my view...

To my future fiance - you’re good to go! You want strippers, have at it...but I’m surprisingly liberal. Hey! I believe that if I had another life I would be a stripper, it looks like fun...(just couldn’t use this life for it...gotta take care business, save the world and such.)

Before I tie the knot, I want to two parties. A classy one first, for my mom, his mom, and all my boring and classy friends with fancy cocktails in flutes, finger sandwiches, cute sundresses, maybe some really cute headgear, etc. I have a bouigie side and would really enjoy this party. Then there would be the party for me and my slightly wilder friends with a lot of ignorance. So with that said, if he wants to hire a stripper or two and have her drop it low and shake that…so be it! He just better not sleep with her or make it rain, but if I have a real concern with that, I doubt I would be getting married. I’m not for marring some man I can’t trust.

Before sitting to write my views, I did a little “research.” I asked several ladies I am cool with (co-workers, college friends, and dance buddies) and few guys (a friend, an ex-boo, and a current “boo”). The consensus for the ladies was everywhere. Some said he could go to the strip club, but no private party where the strippers come to them. (I could totally bang with that response.) Some said “Ugh, HELL NO!” Some were with me and said go for it. All three of the males were completely cool with their significant other having one. (Probably more to the fact that they wanted to have one themselves.)

I know I tend to be more toward the liberal side of my friends. I’ve been to several strip clubs; male, female, mixed (the first being an 18 year old freshman girl with my 3 roommates in southeast DC not knowing what we were there to see). Hey, I’ve even been with a “boo” to see a stripper and was not least bit upset. So I’m not really bothered/threatened by the fact he wants to see a little T and A. One of my friends said it best, “I want us to get married and continue to enjoy life. I don’t want to marry and become the boring couple.” EXACTLY! Regardless of how you look at it, why stop him if it’s something he wants to do?

But I feel there is a deeper reason for the adamant no...

Why do my friends really not want their potential life partners to have a stripper? Could it be a lack of TRUST? This is just me speculating, because I don’t really know the real reason for the no stripper rule, but if that is the case, are they really threatened by a stripper and her alone? If a man is going to cheat on you he’s going to do it. Keeping the strippers away isn’t going to stop him. No, I’m not saying all men cheat but a lot do. It is what is. When you walk into a marriage you never REALLY KNOW what your man is going to do.

If you are threatened by the stripper, what about the woman who he sees everyday? You know the woman who may be your equal in the neighborhood.... the chick he works with (the super cute sexy one), the mom on the PTA (who just got divorced or her hubby is always out of town), etc. These women are the women who I feel is a bigger threat. He can build a relationship bigger than sex with these women. They probably have something in common aside from the obvious. If you getting married, I would assume build a relationship similar to what you and him have. If you are worried about stripper from before day one of forever, what are you going to be doing as he is working along side her day after day or when he sees her when he picks up Jr. from school? #butImjustsaying

Dating an Independent Woman

No worries fellas... I don't care to be your momma nor do I need a daddy... I want an independent partner. Can you be that somebody?

Dating me in 2011 is clearly different than dating me in 2001 Today, I am an independent woman. Destiny’s Child said it best “Tell me what you think about me...only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin’ lonely. When it's all over please get up and leave... Tell me how you feel about this. Try to control me boy you get dismissed... I pay my own bills...” I have 2 degrees. Ending my 3rd year as a real adult, I feel my relationships are different from those who are in a different place in their lives....

As a single, degreed woman who has been living an independent “adult” life for several years now, I’m different. I have an established life. I’m taking care of myself, paying bills, taking the vacations that I can afford and want to go on. I come and go as I please and I don’t share my daily agenda with anyone. I haven’t lived with my parents in almost 10 years and struggled with that knowing my every move when I lived with them. I have my own interests, dreams, goals, etc. I’m no longer on a “search” for myself. I am confident in who I am and all I have to offer.

I look around and I see women, who lead similar lives. Fellas, I sometimes feel that you have old “expectations” for us. As successful Black woman approaching 30 (I am crying as I openly admit this), who keeps company with like-minded women, I no longer have the same expectations for you as I had in my early twenties... well maybe I do but they have been slightly tweaked. I am still looking for a man who has himself together or at least is a work in progress. I’m completely satisfied and am where I desire to be in life. I understand that the cards might not have completely stacked in your favor...yet - and I’m ok with that. I don’t have unrealistic expectations. I just desire for you to be working and a person “on the grow”, becoming a better you as I become a better me. I understand that you have friends and life, I don’t expect you to drop everything for me, but to carve room for me in your life. I know I don’t really need to know your every move (especially because I’m not telling you mine.). I am not a member of the young Destiny’s Child wanting you to pay my bills. I don’t want to control you nor do I want to be controlled. I am looking for a partner in life.

I’m like a sock looking for my match...

Missed Opportunities

If it's meant to be it will be....

As I look back over my “love (or lack thereof) life”, I realize there have been several missed opportunities that I will just have to take the blame for. I may be the reason why I am single while approaching yet another 21st birthday.

There was(were) the guy(s) that I turned down, because I was in a pointless “relationship” (I use the term relationship loosely). Then, there were the guys that I passed on because I was focused on doing me or tired and didn’t feel like dealing with the extra bs. Let’s keep it real, a time came and I didn’t have time to add another thing to my plate. I usually am this way to keep me from getting bored and focusing on the negative things.

Sometimes, I sit and reflect on these possible missed opportunities. There was the dental student (I’ll talk about this one because I KNOW he’s not reading this.). He was tall, dark, handsome, strong looking, and had “swag” (yea, I said it), but a sister was too tired to put in the energy to start this relationship at the end of senior year. Was this possibly a bad idea? Could he have been Mr. Right?

Then I think, where those “missed opportunities” really that missed? If it was meant to be it will be… or at least that’s what I believe. There have been “missed opportunities” that have come back around. Two in particular missed opportunities are Jay-Z and Mr. LT. (I’m going out on the limb talking too much about this because I’m pretty sure they read this although they “act” like they don’t.) Jay-Z and I have come full circle several times. Let’s just say he is my go to boo and it seems to be mutual. Then there is Mr. LT. Once upon a time I was young and wrapped up in some lame relationship… I passed on this one. MANY MANY years later here we are. It has come full circle. I do believe that “us” wasn’t meant to be right then and for all I know it may not be meant to be now (but my fingers are crossed for it to be). We were both young and need to grow and participate in our own ignorance and learn to appreciate greatness.

Even with the potential in that missed opportunity, I have learned to seize the opportunities that are given to me. Who knows where life will take me with the opportunities given and doors open. I will continue to go with life’s flow, while embracing new opportunities that arise and those that have been presented to me a second time around.

Confidence

Are you confident or cocky?

Have you ever been somewhere and in he walks. He glides through the room with confidence. He knows that he has it together. He’s dressed nice, his career is headed in the direction he desires; his family and friends adore him. He’s “that guy”. He has “swag”. He is working on living his dreams (whatever they maybe). He’s a real life Jay-Z. And here’s the best part, he doesn’t treat his Beyonce likes she NEEDS him. This my friends is true confidence. And it fellas is like honey. It draws us in like insects. Sorry ladies, I like to keep it real.

Some men claim to have confidence but what they really have in cockiness. A cocky man is the worst. In their minds, they’re the best thing since sliced bread and you should feel LUCKY he chose you to be with them. He’s as bitter as vinegar that no one really desires to have. Even if that is the case (sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't), no one wants to live the life where they don’t have mutual respect for one another. Everyone deserves to have a relationship where they are lucky or blessed to have the other and that’s a mutual understanding.

Are you cocky or confident?

He/I Didn't Stand a Chance

Now, on to the next one...


Upon starting my blog, I decided that I was not going to bring up “this situation”, but after a few months at it, I’ve decided that at this point I want to and I will. Hey - it’s my blog and I can write what I want…

After graduating from my beloved HU, I decided that I needed a break from our nation’s capital, so I moved to my beloved VA’s capital, Richmond, VA. My days of afternoon happy hours, Friday/Saturday night dresses and heels, and FINE black educated men were over! (Somebody should’ve warned me!) At the end of my first (horrible) year of teaching, “he” walks. He was like the first man I had seen in what felt like years, and (of course) he was an athlete. Neither of us stood a chance from jump…

To make a rather long and boring story short, a little less than a month later, to conclude the celebration of another 21st birthday, we went out for dinner. Before I know it, I’m heading into this “relationship” unsure of where it’s going. Rather than over-analyze things, I decide to go with the flow. At first, his game was good. I’ll admit I’m a sucker for that BS. You know walks in the park, trips down by the James (River), etc. Then one day, the honeymoon was over and the real BS began. First, it starts with me paying for more and more of the “dates” which was cool at first. (I like to eat out and I don’t really expect a man to treat me EVERY TIME we go out.) Then dates only happened if I said I wanted to go out or offered to treat…O_o. Eventually, our dates became outings with the two of us and his homeboy (luckily he was cool and probably reading this so #shoutout to him.). All of a sudden, it hit me. I was living my WORST nightmare. He was sitting on MY couch, watching MY TV, eating the food I bought and cooked. I felt as though I was getting a glimpse of what a future with him entailed… my heart stopped. I couldn’t and WOULDN’T live a life where I was bringing home the bacon, cooking it, and living based on his convenience.

It was down hill for him from there. After several attempts to end the relationship and admitting to him that I was looking for his replacement/upgrade, he was living on borrowed time. Living in RVA, this has been easier said than done, a year and a half later and still, I technically haven’t found a replacement here. For some odd reason, I couldn’t get out, that is, until… he “let me” out of the web I was seemingly tangled in.

He hopped on a plane, moved clear across the country without so much as a call, text, or Facebook message…

And 6 months later when he deemed it convenient to talk, he hit me up as though nothing had happened and everything is peachy. His conversations and memories hint to me that he believes he is/was the best thing to ever hit my life... (as if that was even close to the case...). And he continues to come at me with this nonsense...

But I would like to thank him. Through this relationship I feel that I grew to be more open. Unafraid to express myself. I've learned to be more appreciative of those qualities that I desire in a mate because they are clearly few and far between. As I look forward to new relationships I see in the future, I'm eager to grow with my mate (when he's found (if not already)). I cannot continue this trial and error/wtf was I thinking lifestyle? In the meantime, I’ll live by the words my brother-in-law Jay-Z..... "I'm on to the next one..."

Too Fast/Too Soon

Every frog isn't a prince....


Have you ever been in a relationship that ended badly; you look up and you’re all alone? You hop back into the dating pool to find that the good fish in the sea are few and far between. You begin to wonder that you might have been better off in the rocky relationship. Now, me and my F you independent woman attitude refuse to stay there long, but as you’ve probably noticed, I’m a special case....

I have a friend who recently has walked down this path. When she came to the realization that the good fish in the sea are hard to find, she immediately hopped out, dried off went ashore - back to what she knew. I’ll admit I was a little weary of the rekindling of the flames especially considering the details of the relationship and how it ended. I don’t believe that all dogs to go heaven, but they do deserve a second chance to get it right. LOL! If she left behind the rose colored glasses and took things slowly, they could possibly have a love-filled committed relationship. They both needed to be honest about their feelings, what happened, and own up to their contributions to the relationship’s demise. A loving relationship takes effort from both parties and time to develop. Before I knew it she was engaged! I am that friend, that will share in your excitement because it is an exciting time in anyone's life. Although, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was the right decision for her. As a good friend, I want my friends to be happy and enjoy the love that I have seen so many people share over a lifetime. But was it too fast too soon? Or was this her fairy tale ending? I don’t claim to be a relationship expert or psychologist, but I can’t avoid being a bit skeptical that it all happened in the blink of an eye.

With that said, I pose the questions to my friends who are preparing to walk down the aisle and enter wedded bliss! I’ve asked myself these questions while sitting with significant others from time to time. Is this the man I want to wake up next to for eternity? Am I happy? Are we happy? How do we treat each other? I am his queen? Is he my king? Are we willing to put the other 1st? Marriage is intended to be a life long commitment and 50+years is a LONG time. We all want our story to end, “And they lived happily ever after!”

The Bad Boy Syndrome

I need a soldier... or do I?

While enjoying dinner with a friend one weekend, our dinner-time conversation took the inevitable turn to men. I sat, listening to her rundown of the new “boo”. He was smart, well-educated, attractive, and a cook. I sat, intrigued, wondering whether or not he had a brother, when she said...“I don’t want to be in relationship with him. He’s too nice.”



I nearly choked on my soup. My friend hasn’t even reached her 20s yet, she can’t possibly know exactly what she wants wants out of life; then it hit me, I used to be that girl. I began to think back on how I’ve passed on a zillion “nice guys” because I was looking for...that something, that extra little oomph, some swag. I didn’t know exactly why, but the “nice guys” just didn’t have it. Oh the things we do when we are young and dumb. Thankfully, with age comes wisdom and I’m getting wiser every day. How many women have stood in front of our own happiness because such silly stipulations?



Like my friend and I, have all young women suffered from the bad boy syndrome? Once upon a time, a man NEEDED that bad boy “swag” for me to consider him attractive. I can take this all the way back to middle school crushes, when the poor little nice guy always came in last to the “bad boy” in class. Why did my friends and I find him attractive? Is it the media and its portrayal of black men? Is the desire to date someone like your father (and mine still thinks he’s that 20 year old bad boy)? As a 20-something professional, I’m looking for the “nice guy” that I passed on for so many years.

The thing that baffles me now are the smart, upstanding “nice guys” are no longer such, and have defected to the other side, #teambadboy. Are women who are always in search of that extra something to blame for the good guys gone bad - the transformation of the nice guys who finally grew tired of finishing last?

2011 Love Plan

I have a "game plan". Do you?

I’m a planner. I’ve been planning my life (a rough draft version that is constantly changing) for as long as I can remember. In high school, I planned to become a cheerleader and a class leader and eventually planned to go to college. In college, I planned to graduate and become a teacher, a job which I now enjoy (most days). Every morning I lie in bed and run through the day before I get up and get going. I have a plan to for how the year should go. I need a love plan as well...

To start my yearly planning, I reflected on last year. What happened? What worked? What didn’t work? What new goals do I want to accomplish? At this time last year, I was in a “relationship.” I say “relationship” because I was just going through the motions with… (to be discussed in a post…soon). As prepared the “plan” for 2010, I decided to ride out the “relationship” wave and see where it took me. I knew it was only a matter of time before that door shut (it needed to), so I began to look for one with the potential to open. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to look too hard. I had marked my calendar for the perfect time to start my attempt to take another “relationship” to the next level. Another door shut; this time, unexpectedly. On the other side of 2010, I see that the door closed unexpectedly and that attempt is just getting started. In the words of Alicia Keys, “I’m ready,” for 2011 and all I hope to happen.

As I prepare for 2011, I am taking two potential love matches with me…I’ll call them Jay-Z and Mr. LT. These aren’t random men I picked up at a bar or a club, but two men whom I’ve known all of my adult life. I consider these men friends first, which can be a touchy line to cross. Now, to clarify, I am not in a relationship that can be considered “more than friends” at this point. Great potential for growth lies in each of these relationships and I am willing to see where either of them takes me.

What’s my 2011 love plan?

It is to be open to either of the friendships blossoming into something more. While I will be open to both, I must admit, I’m pulling for one in particular. I do really believe that “he” is my prince charming. My plan is not only for relational growth, but also for personal growth. Now I could sit here and give concrete goals but I’m not one for setting myself up for failure. I must accept the fact that with this plan in my life there is an Editor-in-Chief who can and will go in and make changes. When I’m reflecting in 2012, no matter the outcome of 2011’s plan, I know that these two relationships in addition to others that may present will definitely have an impact on this ever-changing rough draft that I call life. Living without growing isn’t really living at all, is it? My love plan, I’m sure, is just another pit-stop on my journey in pursuit of love and happiness.

What is your love plan for 2011?