Sometimes Let. It. Go.

We’ve all been there. You know that “wonderful” (or so we hope and/or think) man that we meet. We fall head over heels for him. He has you “gone in the brain.” You’re doing all the things that your better judgment tells you that you shouldn’t. (Hey we’ve all been there; hell, some us are now.) Then it happens and you realize...He. Ain’t. Shit.

When you come to that realization, you feel all kinds of emotions. You’re angry, hurt, vengeful and shocked, to name a few. Hey, you may even act on a few of those feelings. I’m pretty sure I”m not the nice girl turned bitch out here...hmph. As time passes, love’s old battlefield wounds will heal or well should.....

Sometimes ladies we have to just have to make the decision to Let. It. Go. I’m not saying forget by any means because the experience should make you stronger and wiser with memory. You shouldn’t allow him to have control of your heart and mind forever. Eventually, we have to take it for what it is: the past and learn from it. When we take the loss and re-examine the relationship and realize and accept that we didn’t do everything right, lacked better judgment and had some red flags that we ingored and/or declined to pursue, we are able to love better the next time. *takes own advice* When we hold on to old hurts they weigh on us and our future relationships.

I thought I'd share this.... I don't agree with all of my friend's points (I love him, but he fits in the He. Aint. Shit category) but he makes a few good points we can all learn from.

** Cue Danity Kane’s “Damaged”...

Do women date men with kids?

We do.... but.....

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine tweeted that women don’t date men with kids. It made me go hmmmmm... we don’t? *bbm confused face* I decided to find if we did or didn’t and why or why not. I did a little “research” with my circle of friends who were college educated and working because I’m almost positive those are the “women” he was talking about. Here is what I found out...

We do.... BUT.... we have a few stipulations.

Most of my friends I asked said that they would date a men with kids, even the ones who I expected to give a me a cold HELL NO! If we can find a man who is good for us we are open minded enough to make the relationship work. Men with kids who are REAL good fathers is a great thing to us. It gives a glimpse into how they would treat us and our family if we ever made it to that point. At this point, most of my friends and I are definitely in the “we want to get married and maybe have babies mindset.”

This is where the positive ends... SORRY! These my male friends are your obstacles when dating us....

Finances- We are hardworking women who enjoy nice things and at least want you to partake in the lavish life with us. We are not for having to pay for your vacay with us to wherever. If you already have a kid(s) and they are literally eating up your finances (as they should) - that’s not something we’re used to in our free-spirited bachelorette lifestyles.

Quality Time with you - Some of us hate to admit it but we are selfish. In our defense, at this point of living independently for roughly 10 years with no one to be concerned about but ourselves, we are not terribly excited about having to share our man with others. Period. This is a catch 22 for you fellas, we want you to be able to spend quality time with your kids and do fatherly things, but we want to be with you too. Personally, I wouldn’t want to share quality time as a family. I’m with kids all day, 200 days a year. I am not huge on spending time with other people’s children outside work ESPECIALLY one’s I can’t control or correct. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids especially my babies at school and my twin, but these are children I can and will correct. I don’t really want to be a Chucky Cheese (or any other child friendly places) with you and your kid. It’s just not how I would choose to spend my quality time with my boo.

To Be the First - I know we have all seen THAT episode of “The Game” where Melanie did everything short of killing herself to be the FIRST...that SHIT is REAL!! Need I say I more? Probably not, but I will. As 20-something women, we know that we may not (and at this point) won’t be your first love, but having your child and baby mama is a constant reminder...

Baby Mama - You all know I had to take it here. This is the one woman who is here to stay whether we like it or not. For the sake of the child, this is a relationship that cannot be avoided. The terms of this relationship is usually where the problem lies. Some relationships with the baby mama are NOT on good terms. We all know that woman who is not over the fact that she is not with her baby daddy and is bitter about it. She does all the crazy things you think of...stalking us, dropping off the kid at random times, always wanting fight, etc. She is your “crazy ass baby mama.” We just cannot hang with her. We want to keep what sanity we have. (Note to “Crazy Baby Mama’s”: Get your shit together!!) Your priority needs to be your kid and having a crazy mama is not a good start for him/her.There are more issues in that relationship that we don’t want to have any part of and God help the poor child. Then we have the what we would consider the “too close for comfort” baby mama. Your new boo can swear all day she doesn’t have some issues but she does. I can almost guarantee she is going to feel some kind of way when you’re getting to chummy with her (baby mama). The thoughts will cross our minds wondering if there is still a connection or why they ever broke up, etc. While we’re dating/in a relationship, we really want to refrain from the Angela and Keisha situations (TP’s Why Did I Get Married?). We don’t want to wonder if he is working on another baby with her nor do we want to feel like we need a jar of Vaseline every time we see her.

*Puts on educator hat.*

As a child advocate, I must tell ya fellas, it maybe hard in the streets for ya, but you are NO LONGER your #1 priority. You need to what’s best for your child in this situation. There maybe a time when you (and maybe even other parties) lose out.


*Puts single woman hat back on.*

All is not lost here. We are looking for a good man. Depending on the situation/relationship, we may be willing to look over some things. Hey, we realize that we too have our own “baggage” that you will need to look over for us. Men and women both know their breaking points and what they are willing to handle.

Damn His... is Sexy!!

Sexy doesn't just stop with his appearance...

"He does what it takes, He got a winner’s mind. I’ll give it all to him and meet him at the finish line.... “

We’ve all seen guy guy who walks by and elicits a collective “Daaaammmmnnn“ and leaves a gang of turned heads behind. You and and all your girls see and acknowledge his sex appeal! This guy has it - all the surface qualities you look for: the walk, smile, clothes and smooth baritone voice. There is one quality that a man can possess that you can’t see just from looking at his outer appearance...his work ethic.

I can remember being younger and having both my parents holding down two jobs. My sister and I both have inherited that quality and have both held down a job (or two) since we were teenagers.

A man who has the drive to succeed at whatever he desires (realistically) is super sexy to me. I know men who desire to take over the world in their own capacity and are constantly working to do that in their own way. Men always claim that a women wants a man with money. Don’t get me wrong money is nice (real nice), but I can take care of myself. I want a man that can hold his own and work hard to achieve. I’ve dated men who lack that quality and been immediately turned off. I am eager to support a man who is working hard and handling his business in any way I can. Shout out to all you men out their own your grind.... we “peep” you (not that you didn’t already know this).

This Michelle is in search of a Barack...

The Stripper Delimma

A relationship should be filled with trust and FUN.... Life shouldn't end because you get a boo...

What happens in Vegas....

So on several occasions, I’ve had friends who were considering getting marriage. (I’ve previously pointed out I have only have 2 people whom I consider friends who are actually married) In the future when my friends are ready to take the walk down the aisle, I’ll be hype to plan their fun-filled night of ignorance also known as the bachelorette party. You know excessive drinking, dancing, and strippers! In my excitement for the ignorance, I get shot down.... womp womp womp.... “NO STRIPPERS!!” If you know me, you know I have no problem inquiring on their reasoning. To my surprise it’s not that they find them disgusting, degrading or against religious beliefs, but instead: “I don’t want him to have one.” O_o

Do you really think that you are going to be last set of T and A he sees?

My blog...my view...

To my future fiance - you’re good to go! You want strippers, have at it...but I’m surprisingly liberal. Hey! I believe that if I had another life I would be a stripper, it looks like fun...(just couldn’t use this life for it...gotta take care business, save the world and such.)

Before I tie the knot, I want to two parties. A classy one first, for my mom, his mom, and all my boring and classy friends with fancy cocktails in flutes, finger sandwiches, cute sundresses, maybe some really cute headgear, etc. I have a bouigie side and would really enjoy this party. Then there would be the party for me and my slightly wilder friends with a lot of ignorance. So with that said, if he wants to hire a stripper or two and have her drop it low and shake that…so be it! He just better not sleep with her or make it rain, but if I have a real concern with that, I doubt I would be getting married. I’m not for marring some man I can’t trust.

Before sitting to write my views, I did a little “research.” I asked several ladies I am cool with (co-workers, college friends, and dance buddies) and few guys (a friend, an ex-boo, and a current “boo”). The consensus for the ladies was everywhere. Some said he could go to the strip club, but no private party where the strippers come to them. (I could totally bang with that response.) Some said “Ugh, HELL NO!” Some were with me and said go for it. All three of the males were completely cool with their significant other having one. (Probably more to the fact that they wanted to have one themselves.)

I know I tend to be more toward the liberal side of my friends. I’ve been to several strip clubs; male, female, mixed (the first being an 18 year old freshman girl with my 3 roommates in southeast DC not knowing what we were there to see). Hey, I’ve even been with a “boo” to see a stripper and was not least bit upset. So I’m not really bothered/threatened by the fact he wants to see a little T and A. One of my friends said it best, “I want us to get married and continue to enjoy life. I don’t want to marry and become the boring couple.” EXACTLY! Regardless of how you look at it, why stop him if it’s something he wants to do?

But I feel there is a deeper reason for the adamant no...

Why do my friends really not want their potential life partners to have a stripper? Could it be a lack of TRUST? This is just me speculating, because I don’t really know the real reason for the no stripper rule, but if that is the case, are they really threatened by a stripper and her alone? If a man is going to cheat on you he’s going to do it. Keeping the strippers away isn’t going to stop him. No, I’m not saying all men cheat but a lot do. It is what is. When you walk into a marriage you never REALLY KNOW what your man is going to do.

If you are threatened by the stripper, what about the woman who he sees everyday? You know the woman who may be your equal in the neighborhood.... the chick he works with (the super cute sexy one), the mom on the PTA (who just got divorced or her hubby is always out of town), etc. These women are the women who I feel is a bigger threat. He can build a relationship bigger than sex with these women. They probably have something in common aside from the obvious. If you getting married, I would assume build a relationship similar to what you and him have. If you are worried about stripper from before day one of forever, what are you going to be doing as he is working along side her day after day or when he sees her when he picks up Jr. from school? #butImjustsaying

Dating an Independent Woman

No worries fellas... I don't care to be your momma nor do I need a daddy... I want an independent partner. Can you be that somebody?

Dating me in 2011 is clearly different than dating me in 2001 Today, I am an independent woman. Destiny’s Child said it best “Tell me what you think about me...only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin’ lonely. When it's all over please get up and leave... Tell me how you feel about this. Try to control me boy you get dismissed... I pay my own bills...” I have 2 degrees. Ending my 3rd year as a real adult, I feel my relationships are different from those who are in a different place in their lives....

As a single, degreed woman who has been living an independent “adult” life for several years now, I’m different. I have an established life. I’m taking care of myself, paying bills, taking the vacations that I can afford and want to go on. I come and go as I please and I don’t share my daily agenda with anyone. I haven’t lived with my parents in almost 10 years and struggled with that knowing my every move when I lived with them. I have my own interests, dreams, goals, etc. I’m no longer on a “search” for myself. I am confident in who I am and all I have to offer.

I look around and I see women, who lead similar lives. Fellas, I sometimes feel that you have old “expectations” for us. As successful Black woman approaching 30 (I am crying as I openly admit this), who keeps company with like-minded women, I no longer have the same expectations for you as I had in my early twenties... well maybe I do but they have been slightly tweaked. I am still looking for a man who has himself together or at least is a work in progress. I’m completely satisfied and am where I desire to be in life. I understand that the cards might not have completely stacked in your favor...yet - and I’m ok with that. I don’t have unrealistic expectations. I just desire for you to be working and a person “on the grow”, becoming a better you as I become a better me. I understand that you have friends and life, I don’t expect you to drop everything for me, but to carve room for me in your life. I know I don’t really need to know your every move (especially because I’m not telling you mine.). I am not a member of the young Destiny’s Child wanting you to pay my bills. I don’t want to control you nor do I want to be controlled. I am looking for a partner in life.

I’m like a sock looking for my match...

Reflection of Year 26

Living life with no regrets... Thank God for another year....

As I celebrate yet another 21st birthday, I figure that it’s the perfect opportunity to reflect upon where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going in my life. Six months ago I was reflecting upon a start of a new calendar year and now I’m looking at the next year of life. What have I done in the past 6 months to work towards achieving my long term goals? Have my goals changed? Do they need to be tweaked? I am allowing you to reflect (somewhat) with me in the areas of my life. Hey, I said I was going to be more transparent.... let’s see how this goes...

Personally

I am blessed to have some wonderful people in my life. A HUGE thanks to everyone who has made this past year awesome!! You have listened to/read the unedited version of my blog (literally and not), facebook stalked, partied, drank, dined, hung out and danced with me, etc. No matter how we kicked it or connected, you have impacted my life they have made this past year great! I can’t wait to see what the upcoming year has in store for me and you wonderful people!


Relationships

Now if you’ve been reading my blog you know about my 2011 Love Plan. (If not, you should check it out.) With one-half of the year behind me, I am pleased with how things are going. You may have noticed that Mr. LT has been mentioned through out the weekly posting and that’s a plus in my life. That relationship is making progress.... but still leaving my options open.

Professionally

As I end my 3rd year of teaching, I am happy professionally. I feel like I had better control of my classroom accomplished a lot with the kiddies this year. It’s reassuring when you realize that you may actually be good at what you spent 5 years of your life and a gazillion dollars to do. I look forward to seeing what the next year has in store as I take on the responsibility of active leadership and completing further professional training. Next year, I hope to begin administration classes and work towards becoming Dr. Stockton!

Socially

I finally adjusted to life in RVA as opposed to life in our nation’s capitol. It’ll never be DC, but at least it’s not Martinsville. You can find me downtown enjoying a few cocktails with friends, dancing, and maybe even meeting that husband that’s suppose to be downtown. :-)

Year 27 bucket list....

• get a tattoo
• go horseback riding
• whatever other fun and interesting opportunities come up...

Missed Opportunities

If it's meant to be it will be....

As I look back over my “love (or lack thereof) life”, I realize there have been several missed opportunities that I will just have to take the blame for. I may be the reason why I am single while approaching yet another 21st birthday.

There was(were) the guy(s) that I turned down, because I was in a pointless “relationship” (I use the term relationship loosely). Then, there were the guys that I passed on because I was focused on doing me or tired and didn’t feel like dealing with the extra bs. Let’s keep it real, a time came and I didn’t have time to add another thing to my plate. I usually am this way to keep me from getting bored and focusing on the negative things.

Sometimes, I sit and reflect on these possible missed opportunities. There was the dental student (I’ll talk about this one because I KNOW he’s not reading this.). He was tall, dark, handsome, strong looking, and had “swag” (yea, I said it), but a sister was too tired to put in the energy to start this relationship at the end of senior year. Was this possibly a bad idea? Could he have been Mr. Right?

Then I think, where those “missed opportunities” really that missed? If it was meant to be it will be… or at least that’s what I believe. There have been “missed opportunities” that have come back around. Two in particular missed opportunities are Jay-Z and Mr. LT. (I’m going out on the limb talking too much about this because I’m pretty sure they read this although they “act” like they don’t.) Jay-Z and I have come full circle several times. Let’s just say he is my go to boo and it seems to be mutual. Then there is Mr. LT. Once upon a time I was young and wrapped up in some lame relationship… I passed on this one. MANY MANY years later here we are. It has come full circle. I do believe that “us” wasn’t meant to be right then and for all I know it may not be meant to be now (but my fingers are crossed for it to be). We were both young and need to grow and participate in our own ignorance and learn to appreciate greatness.

Even with the potential in that missed opportunity, I have learned to seize the opportunities that are given to me. Who knows where life will take me with the opportunities given and doors open. I will continue to go with life’s flow, while embracing new opportunities that arise and those that have been presented to me a second time around.