Black Love

I am firm believer in following your heart. If you find someone you like or are interested in pursuing, GO FOR IT!! True love is hard to find. I know people who I feel who have made genuine connections that are not based on racial differences. In the movie Something New, the single black business woman finds love in her white (sexy as HELL) landscape architect. Let me just say I LOVE IT.

But I do have a problem with a particular type of black man who is by far not representative of all black men. Black women you KNOW the ones I’m speaking of - the ones who tend to stereotype, rather than appreciate us [regular old black women]. According to them, we have too many attitudes and mood swings, speak our minds a little too often and refuse to put up with their shit. We won’t be walked over and we will check you if necessary. You know, they think we are bitches. O_o They would much rather chase after the gorgeous girl who is not black or the one who doesn’t claim her African-American heritage. Now I’m not a hater andI have nothing but love for these women and I can’t blame them for loving the black men flock to them. My problem solely lies with the mentality of the “flockers.” I’m confused when it comes to them. What makes them feel that just because these women are not black they will make a better girlfriend, wife or mother? Maybe she does all the little pointless things that us regular old black women don’t. OH WAIT! I know many black women who do those things like folding socks a certain way, cooking hot dogs a special way, etc. They do these things for the men they adore who adore them in return. I look at the men with this mentality that I know personally, they were raised by their black mother. Are women with the same characteristics as their mothers not good enough? O_o The mothers I know who have raised these men seemed to have done a pretty decent job with them, aside from this one issue. In my opinion, their mentality is not only a slap in my face, but also their mothers’ as well.

I will say that not all hope is lost in black men making a black love connection. Not all men have that awful mentality. Some men in general LOVE a black woman. To you men out there, we appreciate your love! I am sure that there is a black leading lady out there for you that is the perfect fit. Thanks for not buying into to those awful stereotypes and continuing to appreciate our strengths while encouraging us past our weaknesses. Roger Ebert, Chris Rock, Will Smith, Jay-Z, and BARACK love their black leading ladies. This leading lady continues to look for her leading man.

My Man's Biggest Fan

I'll be a "stan" for him...

If you know me, you know that I am one of the biggest Beyonce fans EVER. I love me some King B. She can do no wrong. I know all of her music. I faithfully buy her albums, DVDs, and concert tickets. I am a stan. If I had to pick anybody on the earth to switch lives with, she is the only option. (Hey! I love being me. ;-) ). One thing that I love about her is her relationship with HER man Jay-Z. I love them!!!

Their relationship is not open to the public and they keep their intimate details very private. They are seen together but don’t publicize their relationship a lot. When they do, you can tell that they really do adore one another. In an interview, Beyonce admitted that she has always been a Jay-Z groupie. She has also been heard stating that she loves her some Jay-Z. All through out her music you can hear her love letters to her man. Jay-Z will tell you he has the hottest chic in the game. He even commented “Sometimes you need perspective. You’ve been right in front of greatness so often that you need to step back and see it again for the first time..” about a video he shared of Beyonce practicing for American Idol. Now don’t jump down my throat. No, I do not think their relationship is perfect. No relationship is nor will it be. He may or may not have a boo on the side (which is not okay... and he would be a damn fool.). But they both seem happy.

You may be wondering, “What does this have to do with my pursuit?” It does relate to me. I want to be that in love. I want my “non expressing emotion” self to be willing to announce to the world that I am “groupie” for my man (I’ve been a closet groupie a time or two) and be happy making that statement. Not only do I want to be that in love where I am announcing my love to the world, but I also want my man to feel the same way about me...like Jay-Z does about Beyonce. I want my man to announce that I am great and express his love and appreciation for me to the world. When I’ve met a man whom I can share that mutual feeling with, the non-expressive Keisha that you now know will be dead.

Sometimes Let. It. Go.

We’ve all been there. You know that “wonderful” (or so we hope and/or think) man that we meet. We fall head over heels for him. He has you “gone in the brain.” You’re doing all the things that your better judgment tells you that you shouldn’t. (Hey we’ve all been there; hell, some us are now.) Then it happens and you realize...He. Ain’t. Shit.

When you come to that realization, you feel all kinds of emotions. You’re angry, hurt, vengeful and shocked, to name a few. Hey, you may even act on a few of those feelings. I’m pretty sure I”m not the nice girl turned bitch out here...hmph. As time passes, love’s old battlefield wounds will heal or well should.....

Sometimes ladies we have to just have to make the decision to Let. It. Go. I’m not saying forget by any means because the experience should make you stronger and wiser with memory. You shouldn’t allow him to have control of your heart and mind forever. Eventually, we have to take it for what it is: the past and learn from it. When we take the loss and re-examine the relationship and realize and accept that we didn’t do everything right, lacked better judgment and had some red flags that we ingored and/or declined to pursue, we are able to love better the next time. *takes own advice* When we hold on to old hurts they weigh on us and our future relationships.

I thought I'd share this.... I don't agree with all of my friend's points (I love him, but he fits in the He. Aint. Shit category) but he makes a few good points we can all learn from.

** Cue Danity Kane’s “Damaged”...

Do women date men with kids?

We do.... but.....

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine tweeted that women don’t date men with kids. It made me go hmmmmm... we don’t? *bbm confused face* I decided to find if we did or didn’t and why or why not. I did a little “research” with my circle of friends who were college educated and working because I’m almost positive those are the “women” he was talking about. Here is what I found out...

We do.... BUT.... we have a few stipulations.

Most of my friends I asked said that they would date a men with kids, even the ones who I expected to give a me a cold HELL NO! If we can find a man who is good for us we are open minded enough to make the relationship work. Men with kids who are REAL good fathers is a great thing to us. It gives a glimpse into how they would treat us and our family if we ever made it to that point. At this point, most of my friends and I are definitely in the “we want to get married and maybe have babies mindset.”

This is where the positive ends... SORRY! These my male friends are your obstacles when dating us....

Finances- We are hardworking women who enjoy nice things and at least want you to partake in the lavish life with us. We are not for having to pay for your vacay with us to wherever. If you already have a kid(s) and they are literally eating up your finances (as they should) - that’s not something we’re used to in our free-spirited bachelorette lifestyles.

Quality Time with you - Some of us hate to admit it but we are selfish. In our defense, at this point of living independently for roughly 10 years with no one to be concerned about but ourselves, we are not terribly excited about having to share our man with others. Period. This is a catch 22 for you fellas, we want you to be able to spend quality time with your kids and do fatherly things, but we want to be with you too. Personally, I wouldn’t want to share quality time as a family. I’m with kids all day, 200 days a year. I am not huge on spending time with other people’s children outside work ESPECIALLY one’s I can’t control or correct. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids especially my babies at school and my twin, but these are children I can and will correct. I don’t really want to be a Chucky Cheese (or any other child friendly places) with you and your kid. It’s just not how I would choose to spend my quality time with my boo.

To Be the First - I know we have all seen THAT episode of “The Game” where Melanie did everything short of killing herself to be the FIRST...that SHIT is REAL!! Need I say I more? Probably not, but I will. As 20-something women, we know that we may not (and at this point) won’t be your first love, but having your child and baby mama is a constant reminder...

Baby Mama - You all know I had to take it here. This is the one woman who is here to stay whether we like it or not. For the sake of the child, this is a relationship that cannot be avoided. The terms of this relationship is usually where the problem lies. Some relationships with the baby mama are NOT on good terms. We all know that woman who is not over the fact that she is not with her baby daddy and is bitter about it. She does all the crazy things you think of...stalking us, dropping off the kid at random times, always wanting fight, etc. She is your “crazy ass baby mama.” We just cannot hang with her. We want to keep what sanity we have. (Note to “Crazy Baby Mama’s”: Get your shit together!!) Your priority needs to be your kid and having a crazy mama is not a good start for him/her.There are more issues in that relationship that we don’t want to have any part of and God help the poor child. Then we have the what we would consider the “too close for comfort” baby mama. Your new boo can swear all day she doesn’t have some issues but she does. I can almost guarantee she is going to feel some kind of way when you’re getting to chummy with her (baby mama). The thoughts will cross our minds wondering if there is still a connection or why they ever broke up, etc. While we’re dating/in a relationship, we really want to refrain from the Angela and Keisha situations (TP’s Why Did I Get Married?). We don’t want to wonder if he is working on another baby with her nor do we want to feel like we need a jar of Vaseline every time we see her.

*Puts on educator hat.*

As a child advocate, I must tell ya fellas, it maybe hard in the streets for ya, but you are NO LONGER your #1 priority. You need to what’s best for your child in this situation. There maybe a time when you (and maybe even other parties) lose out.


*Puts single woman hat back on.*

All is not lost here. We are looking for a good man. Depending on the situation/relationship, we may be willing to look over some things. Hey, we realize that we too have our own “baggage” that you will need to look over for us. Men and women both know their breaking points and what they are willing to handle.

Damn His... is Sexy!!

Sexy doesn't just stop with his appearance...

"He does what it takes, He got a winner’s mind. I’ll give it all to him and meet him at the finish line.... “

We’ve all seen guy guy who walks by and elicits a collective “Daaaammmmnnn“ and leaves a gang of turned heads behind. You and and all your girls see and acknowledge his sex appeal! This guy has it - all the surface qualities you look for: the walk, smile, clothes and smooth baritone voice. There is one quality that a man can possess that you can’t see just from looking at his outer appearance...his work ethic.

I can remember being younger and having both my parents holding down two jobs. My sister and I both have inherited that quality and have both held down a job (or two) since we were teenagers.

A man who has the drive to succeed at whatever he desires (realistically) is super sexy to me. I know men who desire to take over the world in their own capacity and are constantly working to do that in their own way. Men always claim that a women wants a man with money. Don’t get me wrong money is nice (real nice), but I can take care of myself. I want a man that can hold his own and work hard to achieve. I’ve dated men who lack that quality and been immediately turned off. I am eager to support a man who is working hard and handling his business in any way I can. Shout out to all you men out their own your grind.... we “peep” you (not that you didn’t already know this).

This Michelle is in search of a Barack...

The Stripper Delimma

A relationship should be filled with trust and FUN.... Life shouldn't end because you get a boo...

What happens in Vegas....

So on several occasions, I’ve had friends who were considering getting marriage. (I’ve previously pointed out I have only have 2 people whom I consider friends who are actually married) In the future when my friends are ready to take the walk down the aisle, I’ll be hype to plan their fun-filled night of ignorance also known as the bachelorette party. You know excessive drinking, dancing, and strippers! In my excitement for the ignorance, I get shot down.... womp womp womp.... “NO STRIPPERS!!” If you know me, you know I have no problem inquiring on their reasoning. To my surprise it’s not that they find them disgusting, degrading or against religious beliefs, but instead: “I don’t want him to have one.” O_o

Do you really think that you are going to be last set of T and A he sees?

My blog...my view...

To my future fiance - you’re good to go! You want strippers, have at it...but I’m surprisingly liberal. Hey! I believe that if I had another life I would be a stripper, it looks like fun...(just couldn’t use this life for it...gotta take care business, save the world and such.)

Before I tie the knot, I want to two parties. A classy one first, for my mom, his mom, and all my boring and classy friends with fancy cocktails in flutes, finger sandwiches, cute sundresses, maybe some really cute headgear, etc. I have a bouigie side and would really enjoy this party. Then there would be the party for me and my slightly wilder friends with a lot of ignorance. So with that said, if he wants to hire a stripper or two and have her drop it low and shake that…so be it! He just better not sleep with her or make it rain, but if I have a real concern with that, I doubt I would be getting married. I’m not for marring some man I can’t trust.

Before sitting to write my views, I did a little “research.” I asked several ladies I am cool with (co-workers, college friends, and dance buddies) and few guys (a friend, an ex-boo, and a current “boo”). The consensus for the ladies was everywhere. Some said he could go to the strip club, but no private party where the strippers come to them. (I could totally bang with that response.) Some said “Ugh, HELL NO!” Some were with me and said go for it. All three of the males were completely cool with their significant other having one. (Probably more to the fact that they wanted to have one themselves.)

I know I tend to be more toward the liberal side of my friends. I’ve been to several strip clubs; male, female, mixed (the first being an 18 year old freshman girl with my 3 roommates in southeast DC not knowing what we were there to see). Hey, I’ve even been with a “boo” to see a stripper and was not least bit upset. So I’m not really bothered/threatened by the fact he wants to see a little T and A. One of my friends said it best, “I want us to get married and continue to enjoy life. I don’t want to marry and become the boring couple.” EXACTLY! Regardless of how you look at it, why stop him if it’s something he wants to do?

But I feel there is a deeper reason for the adamant no...

Why do my friends really not want their potential life partners to have a stripper? Could it be a lack of TRUST? This is just me speculating, because I don’t really know the real reason for the no stripper rule, but if that is the case, are they really threatened by a stripper and her alone? If a man is going to cheat on you he’s going to do it. Keeping the strippers away isn’t going to stop him. No, I’m not saying all men cheat but a lot do. It is what is. When you walk into a marriage you never REALLY KNOW what your man is going to do.

If you are threatened by the stripper, what about the woman who he sees everyday? You know the woman who may be your equal in the neighborhood.... the chick he works with (the super cute sexy one), the mom on the PTA (who just got divorced or her hubby is always out of town), etc. These women are the women who I feel is a bigger threat. He can build a relationship bigger than sex with these women. They probably have something in common aside from the obvious. If you getting married, I would assume build a relationship similar to what you and him have. If you are worried about stripper from before day one of forever, what are you going to be doing as he is working along side her day after day or when he sees her when he picks up Jr. from school? #butImjustsaying

Dating an Independent Woman

No worries fellas... I don't care to be your momma nor do I need a daddy... I want an independent partner. Can you be that somebody?

Dating me in 2011 is clearly different than dating me in 2001 Today, I am an independent woman. Destiny’s Child said it best “Tell me what you think about me...only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin’ lonely. When it's all over please get up and leave... Tell me how you feel about this. Try to control me boy you get dismissed... I pay my own bills...” I have 2 degrees. Ending my 3rd year as a real adult, I feel my relationships are different from those who are in a different place in their lives....

As a single, degreed woman who has been living an independent “adult” life for several years now, I’m different. I have an established life. I’m taking care of myself, paying bills, taking the vacations that I can afford and want to go on. I come and go as I please and I don’t share my daily agenda with anyone. I haven’t lived with my parents in almost 10 years and struggled with that knowing my every move when I lived with them. I have my own interests, dreams, goals, etc. I’m no longer on a “search” for myself. I am confident in who I am and all I have to offer.

I look around and I see women, who lead similar lives. Fellas, I sometimes feel that you have old “expectations” for us. As successful Black woman approaching 30 (I am crying as I openly admit this), who keeps company with like-minded women, I no longer have the same expectations for you as I had in my early twenties... well maybe I do but they have been slightly tweaked. I am still looking for a man who has himself together or at least is a work in progress. I’m completely satisfied and am where I desire to be in life. I understand that the cards might not have completely stacked in your favor...yet - and I’m ok with that. I don’t have unrealistic expectations. I just desire for you to be working and a person “on the grow”, becoming a better you as I become a better me. I understand that you have friends and life, I don’t expect you to drop everything for me, but to carve room for me in your life. I know I don’t really need to know your every move (especially because I’m not telling you mine.). I am not a member of the young Destiny’s Child wanting you to pay my bills. I don’t want to control you nor do I want to be controlled. I am looking for a partner in life.

I’m like a sock looking for my match...