I Need to Do the "Work, Work, Work, Work, Work"... In the Process I Ended Up In... X

In one of my last post I mentioned that it became clear to me that I needed to do the WORK. Things I
need to do personally, physically, mentally and professionally. Most of this "work" I've been aware that  I need to do it and I have known for years, Now I really need to be about my business and make some things happen.

Luckily, I have known for quite sometime my overall life's purpose. I realized around age 17 where I should be and have been in  classrooms ever since. I am meant to be in classroom working, educating, and preparing little people for life. Am I perfect at it? NO WAY! But I am passionate and consistent. All may not like me (children and parents included) and may not be able to reach them all but I try. I can with confidence say that over the past 10+ years, I have positively impacted majority of the students and families who have been in my class over the years. I am thankful that I know this purpose in my life. Many people are so fortunate to be doing the work they are called to do.

Over the past year, I feel like I have been given an additional purpose. One more specific to little brown girls. Leaving an environment, where I feel like I had to fight for little brown girls everywhere (okay maybe not everywhere), I realized that I need to make sure that brown girls know how amazingly magical they are. We live in a society where a lot of times we are seen as LESS; less deserving, less beautiful, of less value. And then when we embrace our beauty or stand up for ourselves we are seen as MORE; more angry and aggressive and lashing out. I love Beyoncé's song Formation for the simple fact that she embraces being a little brown girl and in a lot of ways standing up her for herself as well as her daughter. My goal is to make little brown girls feel the way the Blue seems to feel standing in that video. Beyoncé I was already in....

NOTE: I LOVE Beyoncé, don't get me wrong, but I am ALL the way over the Beyoncé debate over her new song and half time performance. And should've unfriend a few Stacies and a few privileged and  ignorant people on my timeline but I figured I'd just pray for them and keep telling my story.... so all of  you in that category... Dear Heavenly Father, remove the blinders from their eyes and the hate from their heart. Amen. While most of you are complaining go do some "WORK".

Moral of the Story...

They say people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. If you follow my blog, you know that a few years ago a relationship ended and as I reflect on that relationship I see that, that relationship had a huge reason for the both us. My role was to grow him up. Require him to step into his "KINGdom" if you will. His role in my life was to make me patient. Patient with God. I was taking this into my own hands and determined to make things go as I had planned but God gave me this situation to require me to seek him first and remind me that things are on his call.

After that relationship crashed and burned, I  was listening to some motivational CD and the woman said that she and her husband wrote the vision down and watched it come true. Soooo, that's what I did. I wrote down what I wanted my husband to be and talked to God about it. After, that I went out with a couple of guys with in 6 month time frame and after each date, I came back and talked to God about what worked and what didn't. Eventually guy #3 comes along, really good guy who met MOST of the criteria I listed. We got to a point where I saw a few "warning" signs that this wasn't quite what was looking for; a few things were a little reminiscent of my crash and burn situation. Eventually it fizzled out and I let it.

After that, I agreed to focus on trying to clear my mind and getting through life's current obstacles. I'd sign up for EHarmony in July once my life calmed down. But remember I'm on God's time.
By fate's chance or God himself, somehow or another I ended up with yet another date. The day and time came for this date and to be honest I really didn't want to go. I just wanted to enjoy my first free weekend at home with a beatless face. Something inside of me said, get you behind up. God could be sending you your husband. I go on this date and the countless ones that followed. I will not lie to you people, it was right out of a fairy tale. If I told you, you wouldn't believe it, Hell, I didn't believe it!! But unfortunately people, Walt Disney was not the author on this fairy tale, because it ended (or did it) with no "And they lived happily ever after..." Like really?!?!

This is totally one of those situations where I should've cried, begged, pleaded, and done a bunch of other stuff to somehow or another convince that man to love me. BUT that's not me!! And Lord knows, I thought about it... long and hard. But I want I only want what is God sent. If it was sent by God, I wouldn't need to any convincing.

I could've left that experience and necked rolled, smacked my lips, flipped hair and said he is missing out, but I didn't and I don't feel that way. I try to take every experience as a learning experience for myself. God gave me almost EXACTLY what I asked for. Like Really.... why did he "take it back"? I wasn't ready for what I asked for and I wasn't where I needed to be. I hadn't done the things "required" of me. I feel like I heard God say to me, "Get up and work. You've had your moment to relax and rejuvenate. I showed you I can give you what you want. Now go do the work. Go get your house in order. Give your all on what I've called you to do. I will provide the rest."
My current focus is on just that.

I'm not "Clueless"

When, I see people like the black girl we are trading out and that Gabrielle Union refuses to acknowledge (and some of you that are not mainstream who also need your black cards revoked) and the "privileged" say that racism doesn't exist, It. Bothers. My. SOUL!!!!!

Yes!!! Racism does exist!!! Hey Black People you've experienced you just may have missed it because it doesn't look like it does on those two pages in the history books you read in school. One mentioned slavery and Harriet Tubman and the other mentioned civil rights, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and Rosa Parks. That book was probably AMERICAN History and all you got was those 2 pages. That is the racism you and the unaware "privileged" missed.

I am little brown girl from rural Virginia. My mother can vividly remember going to the back of  restaurants to get her food and not being allowed to eat inside. My aunt and uncle remember being bused across town passing a lot of schools, only to attend the school for blacks. My dad was a part of my high school's first class which was brand new and freshly integrated. I grew up in neighborhood where most of the people look like me which was the same neighborhood my parents grew up in. This is my story...

As a little girl, my mother (and father) sent me to a little private Christian school for the first part of my education. I didn't attend public school until I was 8. My first experience with or realization of systematic racism was when I got to middle school. I went to a middle and high school that was majority black.  In middle school, they split you based on level. There were six sixth grade classes: two high, two middle classes, two low classes. In the two advanced classes, there were about 10 black people and the two lower classes were mostly black students. This pretty much remained till I graduated form high school. I could go off here about how the black kids and some of the white kids that were seen as "lower" were lower because of their socioeconomic status (and systematic racism)  and not because they were any less smart than those of us in the higher classes.
Then, I got to the eight grade, and I ran for SCA president. I "lost," but it was "really really close." They gave me some BS position that wasn't the position I won and nobody else EVER had. Reminders, my school was mostly black. I was smart, nice, athletic, and pretty popular. Not mention my little bodyguard and her friends were the cool kids and my friends were the cool kids.  But I lost.... by a few votes. *side eye* Then there was a boy who tried to come for me and insinuate that I was some poor little black girl who couldn't afford new Jordan's. Just because I don't wear them doesn't mean that both my working parents that live in the same house with me can't afford them. Yea, I still have that pair of Jordan's and they are the only pair I have ever owned. I was 13 and will never forget those moments of 8th grade.

Fast forward to senior year of high school. I didn't make captain of the cheerleader's at my black high school. I cheered 4 years of Varsity (the only one), choreographed many of the memorable cheers and dances, and to this day left a legacy that still gets post to my Facebook wall. But I wasn't captain my senior year?! Don't get me wrong, I don't blame  the(non brown) girl who was. I blame the coach. I would've felt differently, if she was more deserving than me. I know when some one is better than me. I'm pretty reflective. She ,as great as she was, was not. I was all things dance and leadership. That was MY legacy. But being soooooo good they couldn't ignore me didn't work here. (Apparently Damon Dash's cousin didn't have this experience.) This same year, I got kicked out the National Honor Society for cheating on a test. It was a bunch of history bull shit that didn't mention anyone that looked like me. Was I wrong? Yes. Should I have cheated? Nope but hell all kids do (at least my entire history class that year (including the teacher's kid who busted me). I just got caught. But I wasn't the only one caught. The boy from the Jordan story was caught too. His hearing ended a little differently than mine. He continued as a member of the honor society. What was the difference you ask? One of us was brown.

Being at a college where most of the people were brown like me, I had the opportunity to miss a lot of my black tax. But I did become more aware other things as I studied to become and urban educator in a very urban city where our law makers made laws for the people. North of the river and west of the park was a term I didn't understand until I went north of the river and west of the park and I realized I  wasn't in Kansas (DC) anymore. It's quite unbelievable. I worked in neighborhoods where I could walk kindergarteners to the Capital Building but they were living in poverty. Even when I go visit DC, I see how African American's are being moved out their historically black neighborhoods because they can no longer afford them.

After college, I moved to Richmond to serve what I soon learned was probably the city's worst neighborhoods. Where regardless of how hard I and many of my co-workers worked it wasn't enough to fix the larger problem. A problem much larger than can be fixed in the school. A problematic system of racism that is has a lot to do with the black on black crime that we often bring up when #blacklivesmatter.

Even as an adult in my own life in 2015, I feel like I've had to fight for black girls/ women to be seen as beautiful and equal in situations where they will be the most dedicated and the hardest workers because the black tax they've had to pay has built them to be that way. Even I  have had my Harriet/Rosa moment where I've been told that I should be GRATEFUL to work for free and be in the back. Then I'm seen as an #angryblackwoman.

So YES CONFUSED BLACK WOMAN (and anybody else that agrees with her) racism exist each and everyday around you in 2016. Many of us (although I just gave you rundown of the moments that I will remember for ever) don't broadcast it and much of is engrained in the system. The horrible system that keeps the rich rich and the poor poor. The system that sees black males as an automatic threat and gets so many of them shot by the police on the regular.

I am not clueless, but unfortunately, confused black woman you are still are.